The Dark Night

Yesterday I had a serious of realizations that lead to an immense depression.

I started describing the art of focusing on the present, and realized that a huge contribution to the hangups I have about my self day-to-day comes specifically from holding a future projected ideal. And this high standard results in an inability to focus on the present and fall in love with the process of self improvement and change. I’m too focused on the future, and I see the present as getting in the way.

As I described this I realized that giving up that future idealized self in order to regrip the now would, ironically, best give me the chance to have that future. I grew immensely depressed at my potential to give up that future self. So much, if not all of who I am, is put in that basket. 

Mind you, it wasn’t a wonder of whether or not I *could* do it. Oddly enough, the ability to do so seemed all too easy. The problem today became regripping the world as someone who is able to be in love with the process in the present. I vacillated between calm questioning and immense fear and sadness.

It was as though my mind was caught in between - with no clear alternative, my mind wavered shifting back and forth. 

In Buddhist circles this type of mental anguish is sometimes referred to as the Dark Night. Is this what has been happening to me?

Day 240 & Back from Destroyed Schedule

Day 240 Record Keeping
Day 208 Fixed Meditation 
Day 154 Bodyweight Exercise  (1x8 burpees)
Day 81 Writing = 62
Day 254 Eating = 63
Day 11 Work = 24
Horrible emotional control today. 
Back from travels. Back from finally getting my computer fixed. Back from overcoming the inertia of not having recorded in 8 days. My schedule is totally shot from all of this, and I’m rather pissed off about it.

I think the important thing is to keep calm and keep going. Having done so it’s important to analyze what went wrong.

1. I didn’t have a solid implementation intention on how to travel and do my habits.

When I went to England, I thought that I could record and would have time to record. I didn’t. This time in Germany it was a lighter schedule and I had my own room. My computer died. The universe is trying to tell me something - don’t ever trust a computer when traveling - ALWAYS GO LOW TECH.

2. When recovering don’t get overwhelmed.

The process of recovering from time away can get incredibly emotionally claustrophobic. I felt like I had failed and I had 20 things to do. Don’t focus on this. Remember that restarting is the most important thing - the numbers will pick up afterwards. Also focus on one thing at a time - the task right in front of you. So it’s not “I have to do my exercises, my work habit, and my fixed meditation” it should be “I woke up…first thing is my work - let’s do that." 

3. The process is key

It’s easy to think in terms of progress of numbers and the project as small bits - i.e. how fast can I master the habit and form a superhabit. The point of this project isn’t ONE habit - it’s all of them. In forming all of them, I have to realize this is a bigger task than what others before me have done.

One of the things I hated about Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit was that he essentially focused on one thing - not eating sweets at work.  My latest read - Minihabits by Stephen Guise - the author essentially focuses on a few - pushups being the outstanding one that I remember.

A more robust treatment is going to be a lot more difficult.

A useful mental exercise I read once was to look at the trajectory of a process and take it out across time dispassionately. Of COURSE I’m going to fail at this - I’m going to mess it up when it comes to travel, and since I travel a lot this is something I will have to grapple with. Of course computers fail and mess ups are going to happen.

But instead of seeing these as steps back, I need to start viewing them as learning about the whole process - as failure giving me the data to step forward.

The key to this whole project is consistency. The ideal day isn’t one where I perform the best - with 1,000 words or 20 one armed pushups - it’s setting up a day where I hit my daily practice of habits automatically and as fluidly as possible in order to highly increase the percentage of success in anything in the future. And even though it’s what this project is based on, it is so incredibly difficult to focus on this type of process oriented thinking.

Day 161 & Inexplicable Anxiety & Perfect Score

Day 161 Record Keeping SRHI = 84
Day 129 Fixed Meditation SRHI = 82
Day 75 Bodyweight Exercise SRHI= 79 (2x8, 1x4 burpees)
Day 2 Writing = 12
Day 175 Eating SRHI = 62
Good sleep, good wakeup. Severe bought of anxiety yesterday. FIRST PERFECT SCORE ON THE SRHI!!!

Inexplicable Anxiety Yesterday
Yesterday was perhaps the most efficient completion of my habits I’ve ever had. I woke up early, went from task to task without any dithering and finished my work before lunch.

Then my mind started racing, thinking about tasks I wasn’t at yet. Writing, future assignments, tasks I have yet to get done, photography, wishing this whole process would hurry up. Basically goal-oriented thinking, instead of the process oriented manner that this entire project is based on.

But stepping back, all this negative emotion is right on queue - I’ve started a new habit, adding to my endurance load. And this is a habit I’m quite fearful of. What is needed is forgiveness -I’m going to mess up, and I’m going to be assailed - it’s just the hallmark of endurance depletion.

What I ended up doing is taking a moment to relax. I went to the beach, I did some meditation, and the feeling faded and I had a great rest of the day. Next time this happens I’m going to watch some funny youtube videos - a task that worked really well when I was experimenting with regimentation. I wanted something that acted to counter ego depletion - Baumeister found that sugar did the job. I wanted an alternative, and youtube seemed to work.

Perfect Score
I think the only reason I got this was because I was so loopy from doing my burpees. I couldn’t think straight, and basically found myself slogging through my daily SRHI - it was completely automatic. I’m beginning to think that self awareness is important - not only as one factor for the SRHI score, but it somehow enhances all other factors. It becomes shifted and seated as more a part of who I am. Knowing that I do the task without thinking in my mind makes it more a part of me, which shores up identity questions.