The Dark Night

Yesterday I had a serious of realizations that lead to an immense depression.

I started describing the art of focusing on the present, and realized that a huge contribution to the hangups I have about my self day-to-day comes specifically from holding a future projected ideal. And this high standard results in an inability to focus on the present and fall in love with the process of self improvement and change. I’m too focused on the future, and I see the present as getting in the way.

As I described this I realized that giving up that future idealized self in order to regrip the now would, ironically, best give me the chance to have that future. I grew immensely depressed at my potential to give up that future self. So much, if not all of who I am, is put in that basket. 

Mind you, it wasn’t a wonder of whether or not I *could* do it. Oddly enough, the ability to do so seemed all too easy. The problem today became regripping the world as someone who is able to be in love with the process in the present. I vacillated between calm questioning and immense fear and sadness.

It was as though my mind was caught in between - with no clear alternative, my mind wavered shifting back and forth. 

In Buddhist circles this type of mental anguish is sometimes referred to as the Dark Night. Is this what has been happening to me?