Day 207 & Cyclical Depression and Work as a Habit

Day 207 Record Keeping
Day 175 Fixed Meditation (42 - 1:40)
Day 121 Bodyweight Exercise  (back stretches, 2x6 diamond pushups, 2x8 bent knee inverted rows)
Day 48 Writing = 68
Day 221 Eating = 79
Great sleep, great wakeup. 
Back is still out of wack - just doing stretches again. Meditation was interesting. My single pointedness was more sustained but it would dissolve rather than shift focus to another point or object. Eating continues to be on point despite not officially continuing my no bread challenge - I’m still taking pictures of food, just not posting it much.

Cyclical Depression
The last two days I’ve been going through immense mood swings. Yesterday I had a series of instances of depression that lasted almost the entire day. It would shift back and forth between depression and irritation at random events and people. This anger would eventually shift inwards into depression.

The quality of the emotion was interesting as well - I found it hard to get out of the mood despite employing multiple techniques. I felt like a small child, unable to control my emotions.

What’s interesting about this in light of this project is that I get the feeling I’ve experienced this before. It feels cyclical. And it almost seems like it has to do with a particular phase of my project.

Over the last week I’ve had good news and bad news with work. My initial anger seems to stem from work - and it’s that particular cocktail of frustration, sadness, tiredness, and helplessness at progression that is a hallmark of ego or endurance depletion.

And indeed if I look back, I did have a particular struggle with work this last week. I’ve been trying to do 2 hours of a certain task, and though I’ve struggled mightily with it, last week was really the first time I accomplished the task - and it took a lot out of me.

Work as a Habit
It’s interesting that there really isn’t anything that isn’t a part of this project. The finite amount of will or endurance I have doesn’t really care about what I want to include - work problems inevitably leak over into problems with discipline with the entire project. So though I do not record my automaticity with work it probably should be included.

I think a lot of things preclude this psychologically/socially. Of course I don’t want to include it - it’s work - presumably I have that pretty automatic. And what a shame it is to not have it down pat!

But sadly, as a freelancer it’s a constant struggle, and one that is allowed to be pretty sporadic. And it seems to be struggle that’s pretty universal amongst freelancers. Also, how many people with 9-5 jobs can really prove that it’s a habit, and not something they drag themselves to. After all, repetition does not guarantee habituation.

I’m working on this with my daily writing - but perhaps I should seriously consider this in other factors of my daily work.