Day 179 & Depletion Cycle Depression

Day 179 Record Keeping SRHI = 84
Day 147 Fixed Meditation SRHI = 83
Day 93 Bodyweight Exercise SRHI= 82 (3 bridges from ground up, 1 minute 1-legged planks)
Day 20 Writing = 53
Day 193 Eating SRHI = 66
Day 10 No Bread = 52 (5 times)
Great sleep, ok wakeup. Was incredibly depressed last night.

Depletion Cycle Depression

Last night I had less willpower. I felt tired and drained, despite having a fantastic day. I drank more than I usually do. I advised a friend and he made an off-hand comment of a friend who is a writer.

Writers are my kryptonite. When I hear of another’s success in circumstances that I feel are better or easier than mine I get angry, upset, jealous. Yesterday I went straight to depression. Not a good spot to be in.

And it was deep. I’m proud because I automatically started doing my meditations. I stretched out my thoughts to break them apart. I noticed the connections between them. And I got down again. I automatically went into my meditation routine a few times.

I did my morning meditation today and most of it was fighting a sense of defeat and frustration. A sense of guilt about feeling that defeat. I don’t particularly want to look at myself in the mirror today.

However I’m better able to step back and look at this critically. I’m at a point where I’ve just added two habits to my list quite quickly (writing and no bread). I’ve already been feeling incredibly carb depleted physically and ego depleted mentally throughout the week. It’s not at all surprising that the emotional roller coaster would start.

It is so incredibly difficult to notice emotions from a distance rather than being on the inside of them, especially when so much of it is caught up in how slow this whole process is. I have to remind myself that this project isn’t about being good at one thing - it’s about being fantastic at them all. Part of the reason I started it was because I have so many interests, so many things I want to do. And it’s not a race against anyone but myself.

When I see people progressing past me in one element, my jealousy kicks in, and I want to rush when I’m barely at a walk now.

Before I thought about making my daily meditations harder by focusing on a trigger point. After this cycle of depletion finishes perhaps I should start doing something like that. I’m also very interested in noting how long these cycles last.